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How our worst performance can sometimes be good enough

May 3rd, 2013 | no comments

 

How our worst performance can sometimes be good enough

by Nadhira Razack

 

It amazes me how much we tend to judge ourselves when we review how we went after a gig. I was invited to be guest speaker

at a goddess circle last Friday and I trusted my Gut when I said ‘Yes’ to the invitation.

The next piece was do I take Aqeel with me or leave him at home? I was in the flow and after Aqeel’s growth spurt I was constantly feeding him and couldn’t express milk for him that Friday.

 

So I had two choices, take a chance and leave him home with my folks and hope he won’t be hungry until I got back from a 40km trip Or take him with me.

I trusted my gut again when I got the green light to take him with me because I would be much more at rest knowing I could feed him if he got hungry.

 

What happened when I was at the circle was something I could not predict. Aqeel was wanting attention so he would squeal louder everytime I attempted to speak.

I felt awful because it meant I wasn’t so much in my flow when I was speaking because it was more difficult for me to keep my focus. So I drove home after the event,

and when I parked the car in the garage;  I just wanted to cry when I got home (Okay so I did a little!). It was so easy to judge myself after the fact. I felt I let down the ladies who came because

they couldn’t receive all of me, I felt like maybe I was a bad mother because who was I to take Aqeel with me on the road on a Friday night when he must have been wanting

the comfort of being in his own environment at home. I felt like I was looking for a reason – why did this happen?

 

 Aqeel by my side

 

Then afterwards, when I went back on facebook to reconnect with some of the ladies who attended the event, I was blown away by some of the comments after the event.

One lady mentioned that she was really wondering why she came (you know how it’s sometimes the hardest thing – to leave the house) and then just by being there, her spirits were lifted,

and my baby brought a beautiful energy to the place too. And I got thanked for bringing him.  (and here I was judging myself for bringing my baby – thinking I stuffed up what a goddess gathering

was meant to be).

 

The other thing is.. in a moment of experiencing what might seem like complete chaos – there’s always a Divine Order to everything. Would I have known that when I made the decision to go?

No.  I couldn’t have. When you make a decision from your gut to say Yes or No to something.. you can’t always know the outcome. You just get feedback.

So what was my feedback? : It didn’t FEEL good to have my focus diverted from my audience to my baby because I couldn’t be 100% present with my baby and my audience simultaneously.

I have to find a way to express milk for my baby – perhaps connect with other mumpreneurs who have babies and ask them how they deal with emergencies.

It reflected back to me that I need to have support around my baby. That perhaps next time, I don’t take my baby with me. Next on my list: Hire a nanny!.

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